Brian ♥Richard♥ DeAngelis
July 28 1979 - September 19 2003
When I saw this background my heart stopped. It looks so much like Brian. Same clothes, same face shape, same hair cut, even the same ears.
I have been trying to start this page in Brian's Memorial for so long. Every time I look at my box of letters and cards from Brian, my heart breaks in a thousand pieces all over again. I have cried so many tears that I can't believe I have any left. By sharing these beautiful letters with you, I am not trying to invade my son's privacy. Just the opposite, I feel that Brian would want me to. If he could help anyone he would.
I picked this song "How Do I Live" by LeAnn Rimes for this page because it means so much to me. For Christmas 2001 my husband and I made a karaoke tape for all of the kids Xmas socks. It was a big hit because we are not good singers but love to do it. Brian really liked it because he was in Boston and it made him feel close to home. So we made him a special one with special songs. Right before I sang this song, the last song, I talked to him about suicide. He had attempted suicide a few times and I begged him not to leave me...I told him I needed him in my life and told him I couldn't live without him. I could not get through the song. It hurt so bad to sing it. So this song is dedicated to my Angel. I love you Brian
(Written May 1999)
I love you Mom, more than words can tell. Iím truly sorry for all of the times Iíve deceived you. You have been the best mother anyone can ask for and I should be shunned for all of my wrong doings.
My name is Brian, mother. You named me and completed my survival until this point. Without you I never would have been. Thank you and I love you. Sometimes I ask myself why? Why has she protected me and loved me so much? But, I know the answer, Iím your blood. I am a part of you and I know you are a part of me. Iíve had some time to reflect upon myself. I know in general that Iím a good person, I just got confused easily.
Mom, hereís a few things that make you a beautiful mother; first of all you are the most empathetic person Iíve ever came across. Youíre sweet, nice, giving, intelligent, beautiful, caring, giving and generous. Everyone that I know who knows you loves you to death. You are such a good person mother. Mom, I donít want you to leave me! Iím scared for you and myself. I hope that one day the Doctorís can find a cure for you. I hate to see you sick. I donít know what I would do without you.
One reason why I donít live with Dad is that Iím scared of losing you! I want to be close to you for as long as I can. Iíve had dreams of losing you and Iíve woken up scared, confused and drenched in sweat. Some nights I stare at the picture of you and Whip that you gave me for Christmas and I feel tingly inside. Knowing that youíre happy with Whip and knowing that you are safe with him. He protects you, and for that I am very thankful.
Mom, youíre the kind of person I want to be like. I look up to you because you make me feel good. You are so nice and forgiving towards me. Now I know that I have messed up, but you are always there for me. You have the biggest and most beautiful heart anyone can ask for. You are my Mother and Creator and you always will be no matter what.
I love you Mommy! Thank you for being there for me and thank you for being my one and only.
Happy Motherís Day Mommy
Love your son Brian
(Written Nov. 3rd, 1999)
Thanx for the steak. I ate it plain, with no A1 because it has sugar in it (Brian had been gaining weight because of the alcohol affecting his internal organs). Thanx for helping me. I appreciate it soo much, itís just hard for me to show. If you ask me to do something I will do it in a heartbeat. I appreciate Whip too. Tell him I said thanx. Itís just easier to put it on paper, cause I can get to emotional. I love you Mommy.
I feel really drained (sick). I donít know if itís because of depression or how I feel physically or maybe itís both, but if I need to sleep, donít pity me, just ask me how I feel and Iíll tell you if it is depression or if Iím sick or if itís both. I love you Mom. Thanx for being there for me even though I drove you crazy for a while by taking by taking your pills. It t shows me that you really love. I am sorry that I did that to you and I want you to know that Iím not looking for them anymore. I know it hurt you, me lying to you and stealing from you, but I want you to know that I will never do that again.
Iíve felt soo bad. Thatís why whenever youíve wanted me to watch Tobie, Iíve cancelled my plans, and watched her because youíve needed me too. Donít get me wrong Ė I love your dog. Sheís cool as hell, but I feel like I owe you and Whip. Heís a cool guy and I appreciate how much he helps me. I hope he likes his snickers candy bars.
Have a good nightís sleep. Iíll try too, but it is hard. Iíll see you tomorrow.
Note from Mom ~ I take pain pills for a bladder disease that I have had since 1992 and Brian was stealing my pain meds.
(Written March 3rd, 2002) ~ Note from Mom ~ Brian was getting ready to move to Boston with his girlfriend Aimee.
Iíve wrote to you before, but never ďreallyĒ wrote to you. I am going to miss you soo much. I know Iím the only son you have that really ďchecks on youĒ. Iím a Mommaís boy, what can I say. I love you. Youíve always been there for me and I thank you dearly. That is why Iím there for you. You are my creator, you are part of me.
This is one reason why I am scared of leaving. I love you dearly. Another is I am scared for your health. The only reassurance I have, is that I know that Whip takes care of you. I know I havenít been around much lately because of my car and Aimee and I am sorry. But I know that I can go on this adventure to Boston and be happy with this woman. She means soo much to me. Aimee ďloves meĒ. It reminds me of how you and Whip are. I think she can make me better.
Donít be scared for me ok? Iíll call all the time. God Iím going to miss you soo much! I love you mother. Thank you.
Thanx for dealing with all of my hard times and addictions. I love you will all of my heart and soul. If you ever need me, tell me and I will be there no matter what the cost.
I love you,
May 16th, 2002
I want you to know that I miss you very much. I miss my surroundings because I know them so well. I keep getting lost in Boston. I miss Whip too, heís always been so fun to joke with. And he takes excellent care of you and I respect him so much for that.
I hope your health is holding up. I worry about you and think of you all the time. I love you soo much. Sometimes I cry, I just want to hold you or see your beautiful smile. I have been going through some depression Mom, because of this change and knowing youíre soo far away and my friends are too.
I am very happy with Aimee. She means the world to me, she treats me so well. She knows Iím homesick and used to having lots of friends. I have no friends here yet because we are not staying in Milton for very long, but when we move to Springfield Ė where I am settled, we can both make new friends.
Aimee is very understanding. I have this woman I want to be with. She makes me feel soo comfortable. Like you and Whip are. I just miss being sociable. Aimee wants to get to know you better. She loves you to death and wants to interact with you more. She thinks you are so sweet and pretty.
Iím a Mommaís boy big time. I love you dearly and I canít wait to see you!
Say hi to Tobie, Whip and Peaches for us ~k~.
Love your Son,
(Written Nov 2002) ~ we had gone to visit Brian and Aimee in Massachusetts because we were so worried about them
Dear Mom and Whip,
Thanx for coming to see us. It means soo much to both of us. Your support is very much needed.
You both look great. Sorry for all of the stress we cause. You realize we need your help, so thank you. You two are the best.
We both love you very much. We got ourselves into a very big mess. Thanx for helping us get back on track, and thanx for coming to see it. It helps a lot.
Thanx for bringing the gifts too. It makes us smile to see you. You two came so far out of your way to see us and help us (we live in Utah). You two are the best.
We will be home soon and we will get through this with your support and with Aimeeís dadís support. Iím so happy to have parents like you. We are weak right now and we can only so soo much for ourselves. Thanx for being here and for always understanding.
Love Brian and Aimee
Peaches trying to do sit-ups
(Written May 21st, 2003)
Dear Mom and Whip,
Both Aimee and I want to thank you very much, for all the support, love and help. We both love you tons. We haven't been drinking. Talking to you and other people has helped us a lot. This is not an easy addiction to overcome. You were both right when you said talking about our problem would help. Support is the key for alcohol addiction.
Next, we want to thank you for helping feed us and get us house supplies. And I would like to thank you for getting new glasses for me. We've been going for walks and exercising so we can get back into shape and I've been looking for work harder. And when I get my glasses I have two places; Albertson's Warehouse and another warehouse name Nicholas and Company that I am going to apply at. I can make good money at both places. I would need glasses to work at either. I should be receiving them next week sometime, probably Wednesday the 25th...so for now I'm calling S.O.S Temporary Service for work.
We are very sorry for all the hell we have put both of you and Aimee's Dad through, but thank you for still being here for us. We love you tons and we will get better!
Love Brian & Aimee
PS ~ Make sure Peaches does her sit-ups Whip
(Misc sweet things from Brian on B-day cards and Mom's days cards)
IN PROCESS STILL