Memorial created 07-13-2015 by
Ryan P. Frye
October 29 1984 - June 23 2015
"HIS NAME IS RYAN....HIS LIFE MATTERED...LOVE IS ETERNAL".....This virtual journal is made lovingly in memory of my son, Ryan P. Frye, whose life story is told throughout this memorial website. Please sign Ryan 's guest book and let us know you came to visit. We will remember Ryan (Miami)forever. Miss you buddy!!!
Don't cry because it ended, but smile because it happened!
Ryan (aka: Miami)was an incredible, happy, creative and sensitive spirit. He had a smile that was infectious and those beautiful blue eyes!
His loss cuts deeply. I try to remember the happy times, the smile, the weekly phone calls..."Hey, Mom! What are you doing" or the famous..." You won't believe what just happened!
He made friends easily, loved music and lit up any room he entered. Anyone who met Ryan, remembered him. He was comfortable with people from any lifepath...he could have a conversation with anyone and make them laugh. As I look through his pictures, I notice very few that he was not smiling.
It just occurred to me that when he joined us in Tennessee for Joe's wedding one month before his passing it was the one time he flew. He always took the bus to visit us. From Miami to Tennesse, a full day and half trip! I remember asking him why he would prefer taking the Greyhound bus to flying? It sounded like torture to me.....He simply answered that there were some very cool people to talk to on the bus and he would miss out on that experience if he flew......that was our Ryan.
What saddens me the most? The fact that he never truly realized just how loved, unique and special he really was. Both my boys are so special but really, I have never, ever met anyone quite like him!
Ryan rests on our Tennessee farm, under the big oak tree. He would have loved that idea!! Ryan's brother, Joe came up with the idea of using a sundial as a marker. So, there is a sundial that marks the time until we are together again. The site was dug by hand, shovel by shovel full. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Not a word was said, just the quiet sound of the shovel against the earth. It was dug respectfully by his brother Joe, his dad, Mark; his Aunt and Uncle and his cousins; Mitch and Ryan's Tennessee friends. Even his little niece, Lottie tried to help! He was laid to rest with his favorite music playing in the background and the bonfire burning....
Visit Ryan...making his "wings"...which we will have every year on October 29th in honor of his physical birthday and on June 23rd in respect of his birthday in heaven!!
Ryan and Joe..On top of the mountain!
So....take a moment and share on the guest page. If you have pictures you would like to share on this site, just email them to me at: Nashvillejeanne@gmail.com and I will post them. Thank you so much for remembering my son, and sharing.
Counting the time...until we meet again
One of the poems I read to him as a child fits him well:
UPSIDE OF DOWN
I'm bound for a place called The Upside of Down It isn't a city nor is it a town. It's a chink in the darkness where the light filters in Or the hint of a smile turning into a grin
I'm searching and seeking Oh! Where can it be? An astonishing find - it is hidden in me. The Upside of Down is the yes side of no. It's just round the corner I'm ready to go.
I'll get there much sooner if I don't hesitate. Now is the time - before it's too late! For the Upside of Down will not come into view If I don't lift my head and decide what to do.
Poems of Encouragement
by Roslyn (Ros) Mansell
"I'm not lost Mom, I'm right here"
So, grief is really, really hard work. I never knew how hard it would be. I get up every day, I go to work. People ask me how I am. They mean well. I lie to them. I tell them I am fine. I will probably never get to heaven now. I have lied so much. I still cry every day, not all day, but every day on the way home. It is almost like a pressure cooker, it just builds up over the course of the day, then BOOM....I just plain miss him so much! I miss his laugh, his sense of humor. Hey, Mom! I miss his phone calls. I miss the nevers...never to hold his child, never to dance at his wedding...never to see him with his bride...all the nevers to come.
Some days are harder than others. I was at lunch and one of the new girls asked me how many kids I have. Normal question, right? I froze...just breathe, I thought. Don't cry..deep breath..you can do this.."I have two. One lives here in Tennessee, with my grand daughter and I just lost one this year."
Then I get "that" look. You, know, the "pity" look. Gulp...
Then I hear a voice...small voice inside my head...Ryan's voice. I was sure of it. Like a radio... but definitely his voice. "I'm not lost, Mom...I'm right here!"
My hand flew up to my mouth. I giggled out loud! I had been waiting for him to speak to me. I had been sleeping on his pillow every night for almost a year. Asking him to come to me, every night. Please, Ryan, just a sign, please let me know you are ok. Please let me have a sign. And, bam there it was clear as a bell. "I'm not lost, Mom, I'm right here!"
Yes, you are son....yes, you are...
The ever evolving Mom June 2016
|Ryan's memorial bonfire on the farm|
|Right Hand Red Ryan...|
The Twister game....ok, I got a call from Ryan one night. Late, well, late for me was around 10:00 PM LOL!
Ryan called from the Keys. I think it was in 2007 maybe? It was in October. His birthday month. He was with friends and just decided to give me a call. I miss his calls just for no reason. His birthday was October 29th and during the end of the month they have "Fantasy Fest" in the Florida Keys. It is like New Orleans but in the Keys...lots of people partying in bathing suits. Ok, if you are a 25 year old guy I guess. But not my thing...Ryan loved it. Who could blame him? You are only young once I guess. Anyway...he says,
"Mom, you will never guess what I am doing" I was afraid to ask, you could never know with Ryan...
"What?", I say tentatively...He laughed, "playing Twister!" "Remember, when we were kids and we had game night?"
"Yes, I remember, Ryan!" "This wouldn't be co-ed Twister now, would it? He laughed out loud.
Well, heck yeah Mom what do you think?" He laughed. I could hear his friends in the background whooping it up.
I told him here in Tennessee he would have to marry a girl if he got in those positions, especially in a bathing suit!! He got a big kick out of that. Right hand Red Ryan...Left Foot Green...I will untangle you when I get to heaven, then we will have a dance, just like on Joe's wedding day xxoo
Oh, how I miss that boy!
NEVER GIVE UP
It is hard to talk about, but Ryan lost his life to a battle with addiction. Now both my boys grew up in an average home, not perfect by any means, but they were loved!! They had more than most, they grew up in South Florida, so they had birthdays in Disney World, dirt bikes at 9 years old, a swimming pool, yeah they had all the "cool" stuff. And, they had parents that adored them. Point being, there was not a "reason" for him to turn to drugs to fix a deep abuse or neglect problem...Yes, there was a divorce, but not an ugly one, and there were medical issues, but all in all they had an average childhood. There is a genetic component, truth is we are Irish, Scott and German. Ryan's Grandparents and Great Grandparents were social drinkers, probably bordered on alcoholic. It seemed to skip a generation and then hit Ryan. I have learned a lot about it since this has all happened.
That being said, it was part of who he was but not the total of who he was. He was more than that. Ryan was a very sensitive boy and grew to be a sensitive man. he never wanted anyone to be "unhappy". Ryan was a happy soul, he loved music, loved talking to people. He would talk to just about anyone. He did not use all the time. When he did, he was not very likeable, that is just the truth. He worried about work, he hated not working and he struggled looking for work at times. He loved being "busy".
He was a binge user and started with pills. He self medicated when he could not sleep, or when he was anxious. He would go for long periods and not use at all. Most of the time he was fine, and he kept it well hidden. Mostly from me, he did not want me to know how badly he was using. He was ashamed. That shame killed him. I believe that now. I wish he knew he could never lose my love for him, but it is too late for that now. He wanted me to be proud of him....mostly, I was. I wish he knew that. There was never a time I did not tell him I loved him...never, ever. Every single phone call. Every single time we talked. I am so glad of that now.
He was with us for his brother's wedding and was healthy, strong and happy. He was clean then. One month to the day later, he used "one more time" and that was all it took. He was found at his father's condo in Miami. Exactly 30 days from his brothers wedding date. From what we can put together, he was stressed about his dad being in the hospital, couldn't sleep and used again. It was his last time. He never woke up. The pain and guilt left behind is unrelenting. We miss him so much! We realize now he had reached out to many of us, but we did not understand at the time what was going on in his mind. My message...if you know someone struggling do whatever it takes to help them... never, ever give up...do whatever it takes. Psalm 30:2 LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
So, just for today, I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I do know, if there was anything in this world to save my child from death, I would have done it. Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something for another child because I know that would have made my own child proud. Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we have to pay for loving and the only reason that I hurt is because I have had the privilege of loving someone so very much!!
So, just for today...Ryan and Joe's Mom
Lottie trying to help with the shovel
GOD BE IN MY HEAD, AND IN MY UNDERSTANDING; GOD BE IN MY EYES, AND IN MY LOOKING; GOD BE IN MY MOUTH, AND IN MY SPEAKING; GOD BE IN MY HEART, AND IN MY THINKING; GOD BE AT MINE END, AND AT MY DEPARTING. I PETER 3:8
At Church with Mom X Mass Eve 2012
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN 2ND BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN AND A SPECIAL MOMENT:.............
I had a good birthday with you yesterday. We had chicken wings just like you used to make them. They were "yummy". We watched the Utube video of you making wings. Lottie is three now and when I asked her "who is that?" She said, Ryan!....She will know her Uncle Ryan and she will know your life story, son. She will know your sweetness, your struggles, your kindness, your sense of humor and all the things that made you YOU!! She will know she needs to be aware it can be genetic and she needs to steer clear of addictive substances. As she gets older, she will need to know. It is what it is...We inherited beautiful Irish/Scottish blue eyes, blonde, red hair, freckles, sense of humor along with love of drink and fun....yeah. It is what it is!! ........
So, we released a balloon up to heaven for you to "catch"...When it disappeared she said to me..."did Ryan catch it, MeMe? I told her, "Of course he did!" So sweet! We sang old Irish ballads around the fire pit and cooked marshmallows....
Rudy's pumpkin is there with his message, Uncle Bill and Aunt Laura's Trenchers and Back hoes are there, The VW Hippie Van is there....The sea turtle...all the things that speak to your life. The rocks from our trips to the river. It is really taking shape!
Also...I had a real interesting moment at Kroger yesterday. I was picking up the balloons and the bagger, who was a young kid about 20 or so, asked me if I was having a birthday party today? Well, I struggled a little with what to say, but I plowed ahead, and said, yes, but a strange party. It is for my son who passed away 1 1/2 years ago. It will be at his memorial on my little farm. Well, then the boy asked me, "how did he die?" I did not expect that! Well, you could have heard a pin drop...it was like that EF Hutton commercial, remember?? So....I thought well...go ahead....
So, I told him..."His name is Ryan, he was 30 when he died. He was a good guy, he died of a drug overdose. Sometimes it happens to good people too....The thing to remember is this...if you EVER know someone who struggles you do whatever you have to do to help them STOP because dead is forever and it only takes ONE time....Every 15 minutes someone dies of an overdose....then I thanked him for asking and that he would have liked Ryan. He was a nice and funny guy!"
Well...it was a strange moment...but I think it is what gives Ryan's life meaning and I appreciate the opportunity so...I just go with it when it happens.....so, I got in the car and took a deep breath. Looked at Ryan's picture and said, "See, you are still shocking people, even in heaven!" It made me giggle! Mom, Oct 29, 2016
|I miss my Uncle Ryan...love, Lottie Rose|
|He loved cars!!|
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