a sea of rage

as i sit and watch our kids grow i can't help but wonder would they be different if you were here? i know they miss their daddy they call other ppl daddy sometimes and i have to correct them. sometimes i still get so mad at u for leaving not leaving me but leaving them their r six kids on this earth that needed u my heart hurt so bad for them. i try not to dwell on the anger but it is so hard when they are cryin and asking for u zora gets really upset and all she wants is her daddy an then i have to tell her daddy isn't coming. she told me the other day u were on your way and u would knock on the door  come in and get her my heart shattered into a million pieces. u knew what is was like not to have a father and yet u left these precious children without one i don't understand an i probably never will balli lexi and zora will not have daddy to walk them down the isle tony joey and vinnie won't have u there to teach them about cars or about women lol i get so mad at you i am trying so hard to forgive u i really am but part of me can't yet cuz i have to look at those wonderful children everyday and know the pain they will feel for the rest of their lives because of what you did. god please help me. i know god wants me to forgive you and i hope in time i can.

missing u so much

oh my hubby i can't begin to tell you how much i miss you. i have been thinking about you so much over the past few weeks and my heart is just broken. i know that we had our problems but you were my best friend. we were friends before we were anything and i miss that so much i miss sitting up late and us talking i miss watching tv with you and eating our sundays. i miss you holding me in your arms and feeling safe from the world god rocky you have no idea how much  i wish you were here just to hear you say rest in the arms of the dragon and kiss me on the head and pull me close to your chest. and say don't worry baby i got you please come c me in my dreams. i luv u so much i will always love you xoxoxo

lost in the forest

January 6,2010
i went to a funeral yesterday and watch them bury a man as i sat in that chair i had flash backs of your funeral of sitting beside your grave as they lowered your body into the ground it was one of the worst days of my life i sat there numb not sure what to do i didn't want to leave u i didn't want to leave u alone in that cold dark tomb at the funeral i stayed by your side holding your cold lifeless hand that is where i felt my place was i didn't want to let u go i still don't want to let u go it's been over a year and it feels like yesterday that i walked in that funeral home does that ever go away does that memory ever go to the back of your mind? i still have a gapping hole this emptyness inside me that can't be filled with anything that never goes away it haunts me i don't know what to do with it i try to fill my life with things and try to forget but it comes back every chance it gets i miss u so much rocky u can't even imagine my bad my heart hurts without u here. i would give ne thing to c u with the twins oh you would have so much fun with them zora is just as hard headed as u were and have the gift of gab that girl loves to talk and vin omg he is built just like u except he has my life skin and blonde hair. what i wouldn't do just to get a moment a glipse at what it would be like just to have my family back together as one god can work miracles y can't he work this one

my precious love

My Precious Love

Sometimes I tell myself, that you’re not really gone.
I feel you’re tender touch and no longer feel alone.
I see us walking hand in hand like we use to do.
It’s hard for me to accept.....
That your life on earth is through.
There were so many dreams we had not yet fulfilled,
All The hopes of a future that we were going to build.
All our friends and family have been so very kind,
They try hard to ease my broken heart
And my troubled mind.
But how can my heart be mended,
When it has broken in two?
Part of my heart is still on earth,
The other part left with you.
It is hard to see tomorrow,
When I can’t accept today,
Because the “Love of My Life”
Has been taken away.
I will always miss you, Sweetheart,
Time will not erase the pain,
All the raw emotions of losing you,
Words will never explain.
I will cling to the warm feelings
You brought into my life,
Maybe somehow it will ease my confusion
And emotional strife.
Someday we will be rejoined in Heaven up above,
But while I’m still on earth I will cherish
Every memory of our precious love.
Somehow those precious memories
Will have to carry me through,
Until the time comes for us to walk hand in hand
For an eternity...... together.......me and you.

dearest husband,did u know how much we loved u

"Dearest Husband,

I thank you with all of my heart

For sharing this journey called life

I'll be forever grateful

That I was blessed to be your wife

Grateful to have held your hand

To have loved you throughout the years

Amidst life's joys and challenges

In times of happiness and tears

Blessed to have built a life with you

To have created a family

For our love, and that of our children   

Means everything to me

I can hardly accept you've been taken away

I can hardly bear the thought

Of facing the future without you here

I'm still not sure how I'll get through this loss

Yet I'm comforted knowing how much you love us

And I'm certain you're still watching o'er..."

"Did you know how much we loved you?

With our whole hearts!

We have to believe that had you truly known...

You never would have chosen this path

That our love would have sustained you

That it would have shone a light in the darkness

To help you find your way back home

- Back to peace with your life

- To peace with yourself

- And also back to us

The heartache we feel is as strong as our love for you

Both are so deep, they'll be never-ending

And our regret is that we might not have been able to express this love

In such a way that you absolutely knew it

And never doubted it

In a way that gave you strength..."

"Did you know how much we loved you?

With our whole hearts!

We have to believe that had you truly known...

You never would have chosen this path

That our love would have sustained you

That it would have shone a light in the darkness

To help you find your way back home

- Back to peace with your life

- To peace with yourself

- And also back to us

The heartache we feel is as strong as our love for you

Both are so deep, they'll be never-ending

And our regret is that we might not have been able to express this love

In such a way that you absolutely knew it

And never doubted it

In a way that gave you strength..."

suicide

No one knew the torment,
that you were going through;
We only kept on seeing 
The man we really wanted to.

We saw your outward smile,
but not your inner pain;
We never really dreamt,
That you would never smile again.

Forgive us if we failed to see,
What we could do to aid;
Or if we failed to comprehend,
How much you were afraid.

We pray your mental anguish,
Will now forever cease;
And that your deep anxieties,
Will be replaced by peace.

We know your pain invaded,
Every single thought you had;
It made you cry internally,
And deeply, deeply sad.

But we in turn remember,
The good times, not the bad;
We remember when you smiled at us,
And not when you were sad.

So when we think about your life,
We won't dwell upon its close;
We'll remember all the good times,
And forget about life's blows.

We'll remember all the happiness,
The joy and not the tears;
The assurance and the confidence,
And not irrational fears.

Our lives have all been better,
Because you have been there;
So now we leave your memory,
In God's all-loving care

They are not dead,
Who leave us this great heritage of remembering joy.

They still live in our hearts,
In the happiness we knew, in the dreams we shared.

They still breathe,
In the lingering fragrance,windblown, from their favorite flowers.

They still smile in the moonlight’s silver,
And laugh in the sunlight’s sparking gold.

They still speak in the echoes of the words
we’ve heard them say again and again.

They still move,
In the rhythm of waving grasses, in the dance of the tossing branches.

They are not dead;
Their memory is warm in our hearts, comfort in our sorrow.

They are not apart from us, but part of us,
For love is eternal,

And those we love shall be with us throughout all eternity.

• Anonymous •