One day for father's day I was in a christian book store looking for a book for grandpa. While I was looking I came across the story of the dragonfly. I was so taken by that story that I asked the woman if she could copy it for me. They also had little dragonfly stones in the shapes of dragonflys. I got 2. One for me and one for grandpa. When I left the store I was headed to go to uncle Pete's to spend the day with them and grandpa and grandma for Father's Day. I was no further than 5 minutes into my drive when grandpa called me. I pulled over in a parking lot so I could talk to him. While we were talking a very large dragonfly landed on my windshield. It just sat there. I was amazed by this. I lost track of the conversation with grandpa. I told him I would be there soon. This had been the 1st dragonfly I had seen for that year. When I got to uncle Pete's house everyone was in the pool. I sat on the deck with grandpa as I wanted alone time with him to give him the story of the dragonfly and just talk a bit. As soon as he started to read the story here came another large dragonfly. It flew around and around us. Again I was just in awe. I pointed out the dragonfly to grandpa when he got done reading the story. I then told him of the dragonfly on my windshield also. This dragonfly stayed during our whole visit, and our noon meal. Finally we went inside. It was as if you were sending us a sign that you were here to celebrate father's Day with grandpa too. You had such a close relationship with him.

Here is the story of the dragonfly:

"In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the lily stems to the top of the water.  They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what had happened to him.  Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings.  In vain he tried to keep his promise.  Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below.  Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number. 
The fact that we cannot see our friends or communicate with them after the transformation which we call death is no proof that they cease to exist."

  author unknown to me

GRANDPARENTS & GRANDCHILDREN

Grandparents bestow upon their grandchildren the strength and wisdom that time and experience have given them.

Grandchildren bless their grandparents with a youthful vitality and innocence that help them stay young at heart forever.

Together they create a chain of love, linking the past with the future. The chain may lengthen, but it will never part.

~Author Unknown~

I don't know that my family belives in signs, but to me the dragonfly has been special since you have passed. Only because they come at such appropriate times. To me it can only be a sign from you showing that you are near to me. The day I was going to Pete's, I was not really wanting to go.  It is hard for me to be in family gatherings because  you are not here and that only enlarges my pain and void.

Another day a dragonfly came to me was while I was at work. I was working in Mn and I was program coordinator of a group home. We had one man who was going thru alot of problems with his mental illness and it led to aggressive behaviors.  We had been having alot of episodes of him hitting the staff. I was alone with him that day and things had not  been going well. Our behavior specialist came to talk to me to give me some tips for when I train some new staff. While he was there my back was to my client and I was at the table with the specialist when my client dumped a glass of water on the back of my head. When I stood up and turned to look at him He swung at me. I was able to avoid the fist, but the words that flowed out his mouth just tore my soul. At that point I felt like I was not able to help this young man no matter how hard I tried. I felt I was failing him. I asked the specialist if He would watch the young man so I could step outside. I went out onto the deck and I leaned on the rail of the deck and started crying.  I wanted to quit. I felt too much like I was failing the client and he needed someone who could help him. At that point a dragonfly landed on a branch that leaned way down and rested on the rail of the deck. The dragonfly was positioned so that it was looking right at me.  We had to of been only 5 inches apart from each other. It just sat there looking at me, and I at it. This went on for almost 10 mins. I felt such a peace inside myself. I didn't leave my job that day. That dragonfly gave me the strength I needed to go back in and just start all over with my client.

The only time I see a dragonfly are on days when my void feels so over whelming, or sad, or over stressed.  Trust me, I do look for them all the time.

Last year I had part of my hip put into my foot and I was laid up in bed for awhile. My bedroom window was very large and low so I could look out it from my bed.  There were several days that I was feeling over whelmed and  each one of those days there was a large dragonfly that just kept flying around and around outside my window. I would just lay and watch for as long as it was there.

I know alot of people who have not lost like this think that we are creating our own signs. That we put more into this that what it really is. I think they feel that we are so struggling to keep our heads a float so to speak that we will cling to anything . Maybe that is so......but I do know that on days when I miss you so, I will go to get something out of a drawer and there I will find a picture of you..or your picture frame will fall... Little things  that I feel are all signs from you.

I'm here again Ben...

Once again you assurred me when I needed it most. I opened an in home daycare. Last week on my very first day, I felt so much doubt. I wasn't sure if I could do it. I have one child, 4 years old, and he is such a hand full. I was trying so hard to get thru the day. I know there is an adjustment period. It just felt like more than that. I think the doubt came because I have always worked with adults of disabilities, now here I was with children.

We had gone to the park and it was such a trying time. The whole drive home the doubts were swirling thru my mind. When I pulled into the drive way there just hovering was a huge beautiful dragonfly. It just hovered there facing me. I sat in the car staring at it. It was staring back at me. As I sat there in the car a calming came over me. I got out of the car and it flew around me in a circle. It was an arms reach from me. Again it hovered beside me just looking at me, and I at it. It was a beautiful sight. It was SO very large. I don't think I have ever seen one so big. The head and upper body were a very vibrant hunter green color. From the back to the tail it was a bold royal blue. I stayed there for almost 15 minutes admiring the beauty of the dragonfly, and the fact it was staying right there with me.

I know in my heart this is my special sign that you send to me when I need it the most. It is always at my lowest times, my saddest times or times when I havc so much doubt about something, that the dragonfly comes to me. It never just "fly's by" me. It always hovers there right next to me. It is close enough to me that I could reach out and touch it. I can look right into it's eyes. It stays there with me for a prolonged period of time. It is never the dragonfly that leaves me, it is always me that ends up walking away.

After spending about 15 minutes, maybe a little more with the dragonfly, I felt as if I CAN do my daycare. I felt more assurred that things will be ok. I will be ok. I told the kids to get back into the car, we were going for icecream. We went to a place close to us. I drove thru and got the kids each a cup of icecream and drove back home. That beautiful  dragonfly was there in the same spot as when I came home the first time. I got out of the car and stood in the yard and it flew right to me. While the kids sat on the deck eating their icecream, I spent time with the dragonfly. Finally after about 20 minutes I had to go inside with the kids and get them ready to go home. Once again it was me that left the dragonfly.

In between the times the dragonfly comes to me, I never see any. I watch for them all the time, hoping that I will see one. I never do. This is another reason I know in my heart you are sending them to me. I can only tell you that every time it happens, it rebuilds my spirit, it gives me what I need to hang on to that little thread that keeps me afloat.

When I was in the process of opening my daycare I was trying to decide what name I would give it. Nothing was coming to mind--at least nothing that I liked. After that day with the dragonfly, I told my grief group about it. One of the mom's emailed me and told me I should call it "Little Dragonfly Daycare".  I did just that.

Thank you Ben for letting me know you are still here with me. I miss you so much. I carry you in my heart,you are always in my thoughts. I long for the day that I will see you again.

                 I love you Ben

                              mom