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Memorial created 10-7-2008 by
martha martinez |
Benjamin David Shipp
February 10 1979 - November 1 2003 | | |
A mother from my grief group sent an email asking for help in writing a response to someone who basically was giving her grieving instructions. How many times have all of us come in contact with someone who trys to tell us how to walk thru our process of grief. I have been exposed to many people who have told me various things--it's time to move forward--you need closure-- your obsessed, and you hold yourself in limbo in the grief process-- Ben would want you to be happy, Etc.
Do people think we WANT to be sad, lonely, broken hearted? These emotions are such, that the majority of the time we have no control over them. In the beginning we are overwhelmed. We are frozen in our grief. It's a sense of being numb and not even understanding what has just happened in our life,---to our life. Then it is as if we are just going thru the motions of everyday life, and for me it is as if I am on auto pilot. Your body takes over, but your brain--your mind is shut down.
When we get to a point were time has past, we have to conform and make it look as if we are "ok", so that what is left of our heart, our emotions, our sanity, are protected from those around us. I feel for the most part what our friends or loved ones tell us, they are thinking they are giving good advice. What they don't understand is the words that they say can cut right thru to our soul. It can cut the only thread that is holding us together.
Please don't judge us and our way in which we are LEARNING to handle our grief, and the new lives we have now been given. These new lives are not of OUR choosing. We were given this road to walk down. Please allow us to LEARN to walk this road in OUR time frame, and the way in which we see best fits us.
The following information was provided by a mother in my grief group who was trying to assist the other mother with a response to her email she had received. | | | |
My grief and pain are mine. I have earned them.
They are part of me. Only in feeling them do I open
myself to the lessons they can teach."
-Anne Wilson Schaff
From Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman
When our whole sense of ourselves seems wounded and
vulnerable, one of the ways we can claim our rightful
presence in the world is to claim the legitimacy of
our grief. That is who we are right now, and it is a
valid way to be. We cannot escape the reality of
ourselves as grieving persons any more than we can
escape the reality of the death of the loved one.
In time we will see ourselves again in broader terms.
But if, for a while, grieving is the main aspect of
our being, then so be it. We may well move away from
it sooner if we embrace the reality now. We don't owe
anyone else an apology. We don't owe ourselves one
either.
"Only by living my grief fully will I be able to walk
through it and learn what it has to tell me."
My own thought: How dare anyone tell us how to grieve,
how long to grieve, or how to handle our grief....
Learning To Heal by Linda Torres
There are many types of grief and loss, although a lot of people think that death is the only loss there is. Many people, though, suffer from other types of losses that to them are as devastating as death. I experienced loss through my daughter being taken at a very young age. She was a vibrant and lovely girl whose life was cut short due to an automobile accident. Yet through the years of my grieving and mourning, I have realized that many people want to dictate that we all grieve the same. I know that everyone that grieves has similarities, but we all grieve in our own unique way. This is due to the type of loss and how we perceive that loss. It is because we all have our own personalities, religious beliefs, our genders, and many other factors. Our relationship with our loved one has a lot to do with this process. In the beginning, we are numb and in shock, but in a very short time we find that we are in the fight of our lives. The world that we have been placed in is not the world we would choose to be in. We find that we are totally imbalanced and that the pain is one that no one is ever educated or prepared to deal with. We are battered in the beginning 24 hours a day. Even when we have the luxury of being able to sleep our minds are continuously reliving the event. Sometimes it is not just one emotion that is battering us, but more than one. And what we must do is give our pain a name. Without knowing what emotion we are dealing with we cannot work through it. Grievers must learn to lean into their pain so they will be able to begin to heal. And they need to realize that they will never go back to day one—even though they feel that on bad days they are at square one. Remember, if you ever revisited the shock and numbness stage it would kill you. So you must take one day at a time and learn the process that you are in the throngs of. It is like a house with many rooms. Emotions that can easily be worked through are the rooms that you keep open and spend most of your time in. The ones that you keep locked and dark are the emotions that you should be working through. For they are the most painful and they are the ones that cause roadblocks in your healing. So you need to open the door in the beginning and just stand for a few moments even though it causes you extreme pain. If you continue to do this in small periods you will begin to be able to enter the room and heal yourself totally. The harder the emotion, the more you will heal. I personally do not believe in the word closure. I find that word almost appalling, and I feel that most people should use the words reconciliation and resolution. For as long as you live you will always have a memory and when someone says closure it reminds me of a door being shut to one’s memories. As you reach resolution, you will find that your memories become warm memories and you will be able to live in the altered world you have been place in. May God walk with you on your journey.
About the author: Linda is a nationally certified grief counselor.
Copyright © 2001 by Linda Torres
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The Mourner’s Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you
should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from
some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “
rights” no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how
others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to
others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses
from hurtful ones.
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to
others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be
feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow
you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at
times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the
emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you
that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental
responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without
condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued.
Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced
meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel
ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This
can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and
will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It
helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the
funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other
healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to
you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your
religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be
critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?"
Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for
the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's
will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do
not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone
loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others
with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process,
not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are
impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must
forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
These are myths bereaved parents hear every day, I found this article to be so true I had to share.
The younger the baby/child, the less your pain will be
Truth: It may be true that society grants us less of a right to grieve for infants and stillborn babies, however, the truth is that the love of a parent is not contingent upon the amount of time we had with our child. Love simply cannot be measured in time. Some may try to "pro-rate" our grief. That is, if a ten-year-old dies, it is worth "x" amount of pain... if a one year old dies, it is worth "y" amount of pain... if a one day old dies, that is worth only "z" amount of pain. It seems ridiculous to bereaved parents. Consider this... Would it be easier to bury your child when you did or would it be easier to bury them one year later? It is an impossible question to answer. There is no easier time, no lesser pain. It is horrible whenever it happens.
It has been six months you should be over this
Truth: The truth is, you will never "be over" this pain. The pain never completely leaves. We will grieve our entire lifetime for the child we should have with us. When others think we should have gotten over it by now, they are confusing the significance of the death of a child with an event of much lesser significance. You get over the loss of a job, a broken bone or a friendship gone awry. The death of a child, at any age and from any circumstance, is a life changing and tragic event that will never be forgotten. You will however, eventually learn the skills necessary to assist you in dealing with the pain. Day to day life will never be "normal" and may never feel the way it used to, but time does help to ease the pain.
Another baby is the answer to your grief
Truth: Your deceased child's life is worthy of all the pain you feel. While another child will fill your empty, aching arms, it will never replace your other child. Allow yourself time to grieve your child. Do not rush yourself. Another baby may add more pressure on you, your surviving children, your spouse and your new child. Be cautious not to venture into an unprepared pregnancy, too soon after the death of your beloved child. For more information on how to recognize when you are ready for a subsequent pregnancy see.
You need to forget your baby / child and move on with life
Truth: Many people will ridicule you if; photographs of your deceased child are placed in your home, if you still attend support group meetings or if you memorialize your child years after his or her death. Your faithfulness to your child's memory is to be commended! Do not let others discourage your gift of dedication. The truth is, twenty years after the death of Elvis Presley, the whole country stops to recognize him with candlelight vigils in Grace land. The event is televised worldwide on CNN and every other news station and television station in the country. This is a completely acceptable practice which millions of Americans, young and old, partake in. Yet, the same communities would have grieving parents questioning their own sanity when they chose to participate in an event, quietly memorializing someone far more important in their life- their own child. Remember your child. Do not let others determine what is right for you. Remember and do not be ashamed!
Support Groups are for weak People
Truth: The truth is, that the death of a child is the most isolating and lonely event in a human's life. Many grieving parents say that friends become strangers and strangers become friends. The reason for this is clear. How can any one else possibly understand the depth of this pain if they had never experienced it before? An analogy I like to use is related to weight loss. Let's say I struggled with obesity all my life and finally made a decision to do whatever I needed to lose weight and become healthy again. Courageously, I check myself into a weight loss clinic. However, the mentor and counselor assigned to help me through my struggle with weight is 110 lbs and a size three, and she has never been overweight a day in her life. How in the world is she going to understand your pain, your struggles and your fears? She never can. It is unlikely that you will even feel comfortable relating to that person. Support groups are a safe haven for parents to go and share the
deepest of their pain with others who have experienced the same feelings. Many support groups are full of strong and compassionate people who are dedicated to helping newly bereaved parents find hope and peace in their life.
You will soon be yourself again
Truth: The truth is, you probably died with your child. You may have remnant pieces of the former self remaining; however, you are unlikely to become exactly who you were before. Get to know who you are once again. Your child's death has changed many things about you and you will need time and patience to reacquaint yourself with the new person you have become!
Am I going Crazy
Truth: Every parent who has gone through the death of a child feels as if they are crazy. The vast array of emotions can overwhelm us. Many of us feel emotions we never knew we could feel. It is frightening and shocking. The usual routine of day to day life suddenly annoys us. We feel out of place even amongst the closest of family and friends. We cannot attend baby showers or birthday parties. We may feel too weak and drained to get out of bed in the morning. Once enjoyed activities become dreaded tasks for us. Some parents are unable to perform at work, while others may become completely absorbed in their jobs as an attempt to escape the pain. Some parents express that the grief has become so unbearable, that they prayed God would take them while they sleep. It is a roller coaster ride. Some days we are able to laugh and feel joy again. While other days there seems a black cloud hanging over us the entire day. Who wouldn't feel crazy while undergoing all of these many
emotions? You aren't crazy. You are a grieving parent, simply missing what should have been in your life. Be patient and kind to yourself. While the longing for your child will never disappear, time grants us moments of peace in between the tidal waves of pain. Allow those peaceful moments to bring you closer to your child's love and the gifts they have left for you to discover.
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When a loss hits us,
we have not only the particular loss to mourn
but also the shattered beliefs and assumptions
of what life should be.
These life beliefs must be mourned separately.
Sometimes we must grieve for them first.
We can't grieve the loss if we are in the midst of
"It's not supposed to happen this way" . . .
We intellectually know that bad things happen ~
but to other people, not us,
and certainly not in the world we assumed we were living in . . .
Your belief system needs to heal and regroup as much as your soul does.
You must start to rebuild a new belief system from the foundation up,
one that has room for the realities of life
and still offers safety and hope for a different life:
a belief system that will ultimately have a beauty of its own
to be discovered with life and loss.
Think of a lifeless forest in which a small plant
pushes its head upward, out of the ruin.
In our grief process, we are moving into life from death,
without denying the devastation that came before.
-- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, in
On Grief and Grieving : Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss | | | |
Allowing Grief
I am sorry if I don't grieve correctly.
Please share with me the standards you use to judge.
In the beginning if I held my emotions it wasn't enough.
Yet now you do not wish to be reminded of what I can never forget.
How can one judge someone else's emotions.
Who are they to say what is correct.
Where does one find the expiration date for grieving their child?
Is our pain any less as time goes by?
We are able to get through our good and bad days.
We have had practice now in how to put on a act.
Yes, all the world is a stage and I am a consummate actress.
I am playing the role of my life and I must give it all that I have.
Nobody wants to see my tears now.
No one wants to acknowledge that I still hurt.
Everyone wants life as it used to be.
Can't they see that so do I?
Where are the books that tell us when we can feel and when we cannot?
Is there a set formula that we must follow?
Will there be a test we are expected to pass?
Why are we not allowed to have our own feelings?
Until the end of my days I will grieve my child.
I am sorry if you think I am doing it wrong.
It will be done at my own speed.
He was my child and not yours.
Please allow me my grief!
~from Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman
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