Ben,

Here I am again tonight. I have journaled to you most of the day today. You weigh heavy on my mind. I lit the candles for you and Amanda's baby tonight and they continue to burn. Today a couple came and talked with me. It is a woman who has come to the door a couple other times, but I could not talk to  her. I could not talk because when I have verbalized my feelings to a stranger, I was judged. I was told I need to go on, or that what I felt isn't normal. The good old standby phrase- "God needed another angel".

When this woman would come to my door, for whatever reason, I would tear up and not be able to talk to her. She came the first time and it was getting close to Thanksgiving. She mentioned something about almost time for families to gather together. The tears welled up and I think it took her by surprise. Next it was as if the words just burst out of my mouth, that I lost a son, so my family is incomplete. I just closed the door. She came back a week or so later. She had brochures for me on death of a loved one. She just left it for me to read. Today she came back with her husband. They asked if they could talk with me and I let them come in. Some of the things they said were of comfort, where other things were of worry. One thing she said was that when a loved one dies, they feel no sadness. They do not hear us or see--look down on us. They feel no emotions. I have been hanging on to the thoughts that you can still feel my love for you. That you can hear me when I talk to you. I need to cling to the thought that you can hear me, and you do know and feel the love I have for you.

I have been sitting here for the past couple days writing to you. The drive to journal to you has been so strong over the past few days. It is an intense feeling. I think it is because we are in the midst of the holidays and this is a hard time for me. Yesterday while I was writing here to you, it was quiet here in my den. It was a moment where I was just sitting here staring at the screen and all of a sudden my answering machine went off. The phone had not rung. I looked at it as it was right next to me. If a call had come in the phone would light up saying "line in use." The answering machine said the greeting almost to the end but then abruptly stopped. I just sat there staring at it.

Today as I was writing to you, again it was quiet in here. All of a sudden thru my speakers there was a sequence of tapping. Each time, there was 5 loud taps.  Silence, then again 5 taps. This went on five times. I have never experienced this with the answering machine or the tapping before. Both events, I was sitting here thinking of you.

I know if I verbalized this to someone, they would dismiss it as NOTHING. Some weird fluke. If I attribute it to you letting me know you are still around me, they would say I am grasping at straws. Now I will go back to the fact this is my journey, my road to walk. If I attribute this to you letting me know you are here, that is my choice. I am not the only one that experiences things of this nature. It is not the only things I have experienced. I believe when you endure the loss of a child, this is not in the natural order of things. When it is a parent or friend, you are more equipped to find somewhere in yourself to put that loss and go forward far easier than that of a child.  A parent who has lost a child I believe-- at least as far as I myself, am  open minded. I try to keep myself open to the fact that there is no proof that when we die, we cease to exist. I keep myself open to the fact we very well may exist, but in a different realm. Again I think  a different way than most people. I am a person who needs to see things in black and white. I need proof of things.

I will cling to these thoughts, if only to calm my heart and give me hope that you can still feel the love I have for you.

I love you so very much.........mom 

Ben,

Here we are again tonight. I come with so many questions in my mind. I so wish I could just talk face to face with you. I don't understand so many things and I wish I had answer's. I don't understand why this journey has to be so solitary. I feel so alone in my grief. I want so bad for my family to understand, and acknowledge YOU. I want them to speak of you. Say your name with out me having to put it out there in their face. I want them to walk beside me in this journey, or at least let me know they are there. I feel like 5 mac trucks have hit me and no one is there to pick me up and brush me off or even ask me if I am ok. I don't understand this.

Since your death, when I hear of someone who is going thru a loss of a loved one, I give them a wrist band. It says "Forever In My Heart". I have been buying them in bulk as I have come across so many people who are dealing with loss. I want them to know there are people out there that can understand how they feel. This is not an issue I want to have in common with someone, but it is not a choice I have. I do choose though to put myself out there to other's. I have walked this road alone for so long. I don't want other's to have to feel what I have felt. Being so alone in their grief. It is very isolating. It is sad that those around you can make you feel so isolated.

I hope when I die, that Desi will share with friends and family things that she remembers about me. I have always made her aware of you. She remembers you with her own memories also. I remember when you passed away, and I had to tell her you died. I was so overwhelmed with how do I tell her? I had never had to talk to a 5 year old about death. How do I do that? I waited until the viewing. I told her that when you were sleeping a big beautiful angel came down from heaven and wrapped their angel wings around you. They flew you way up high in the sky and took you to all the places you had been in your life. They took you to Hawaii to see the top of the island where we put our rock monument for our family..a stone for each family member stacked one on top of the other. They flew you over each family members house so you could tell us good-bye. Then they took you to a beautiful flower garden full of beautiful rare flowers. They helped you pick an arm full of flowers so that when you met God in heaven you could give him those flowers. Now your in heaven with God.

After I moved to Minnesota Desi was having a hard time in school. She would call me at night and ask me to tell her again where uncle Ben was. Tell her about how the angel took uncle Ben.

Desi looks over the pictures of you and her together and talks of you with love in her voice. She misses you just as I do.

How does one go on? There is no "bouncing back" from a loss of a child. There is no "getting on with life". "Pick up the pieces". What is it exactly I "pick up?" And how do I "put it back together?" How do I "put it behind me?" It is forever in front of me. It is shoved in my face every day. There are no phone calls from you. No mail. No attendance at family gatherings. No holidays shared.

Never to sit beside you.

Never to feel your hug.

Never to hear your voice.

Never to share your birthday or holiday.

Never to see your smile again.

Never to hear you say-" I love you mom".

Always to be your mother.

Always to keep you safe in my heart.

Always to say your name

Always to number you among my family.

Always to love you.

Always to feel honored to have been your mother.

Always to cherish the memories.

Always to be my son.

Always to know one day I will see you again.

I love  you Ben......mom

Ben,

I come to sit and talk with you again. I feel I have been sitting here constantly the past few days. The drive to write to you is so strong. I have so many emotions and thoughts stuffed inside of me that there is no more room.

After I wrote to  you last night, I went to bed but I could not sleep. I laid there and continued to think. I tried to figure out all the "why's".

Why do I walk this road alone. I came to the conclusion that maybe my loved ones feel that if your name is not brought up, it is less painful for me. Maybe if they allow me to share a memory that is all I need. Maybe they feel that I only want to share a memory of mine, but not hear one of their's. It could be that they are afraid if they try to share one I will cry. Maybe I will cry, but the tears will be for a couple reasons.

When you left, things were all so hurried.  I was in the middle of a move to MN. The date was set. Things were sold others were packed. Family came from out of town to be with me. By the time they got there I think I had gone from complete shock and screaming to total numbness. I remember just walking around as if this couldn't be true. There were no more tears. It was as if I was just in such a state of confusion, shock. I felt I needed to be strong as there were things to be done. Plans to be made. I had to keep myself together to get it all done. I knew it would be hard for mom and dad, and I wanted to be strong for them.

We planned your viewing, your funeral and the packing continued. For your viewing photo boards were made. Pictures from when you were born all the way thru growing up . We put them around the room so people could see how you grew up to become such a wonderful young man. I sat with people who shared stories, memories they had of you. In my mind I just wanted something to just take me away. Remove  me from that place. Take me out of there. Make it all go away. I wanted to go somewhere and cry. I wanted to be held and told it would all be ok.

We went back home, and I went up to bed. There were no tears. I was too numb. I was still trying to figure out what had happened. What went wrong? We had lives the two of us. You were here. Now you were gone. Your life stopped, just like that. Just so abrupt. My life that I knew stopped right along with yours. It was as if I was holding out your coat as you were slipping your arms into it. Then in the middle of putting it on, poof--your gone and I am still holding up the coat.--- I am still here trying to make my way thru my life, but I keep looking for you. I try to find some trace of you. I try and find some corner of my mind that can still hear your voice, your laughter.

Thru this I think maybe my parents wanted to hold and comfort me but maybe thought that would cause me more sadness. Maybe thru the years they have wanted to ask how I am doing with your loss, but felt that would awaken my sadness and pain.

I can only think to the times that I lost family members and compare to that type of situation. I remember when my other mother died. I was 7 years old and I remember the day she died. I went into the kitchen and your grandpa was at the table with my grandpa and grandma. My dad told me mom had gone to heaven. He told me it was a good--happy thing. She had been sick for so long. In my mind to me this was not a good thing, But I had become used to her being gone as she had been sick for almost 3 years. I remember running upstairs to tell my older sister this "good news". Grandma was following close behind me. I ran into the bedroom and just blurted out "Mommy went to heaven". I remember my sister said " No she didn't". Then my grandma took over and scooted me out of the room. I was confused. Donna was screaming and crying. Everyone else seemed happy. I remember going downstairs and grandpa took me and sat me on the couch with him. Dad went upstairs with Donna. I stayed with grandpa on the couch. I remember him telling me "grandpa's big girl doesn't cry".  I didn't cry. I wanted to be grandpa's big girl.  I don't remember seeing my dad cry either. He probably did that when he was away from us.

Thinking back to our family losses I compared myself to my parents. How did they take their loss? How did they act? How did they maintain their emotions? I tried to hold myself together as I saw they did during the time of their parents death's. All I saw was them being strong, holding in their emotions, their tears. I felt I needed to do as they did. Only later did I realize this is a different type of loss. You are my child. You are not to leave this earth before me. It is not normal. I don't know why it should feel different losing a child versus a parent. Both are important part's of the family structure. Maybe because we know that death is part of growing old. It is what we know happens as we age. Your born, you grow up, marry, have children, grand children, eventually you die. You were out of the normal sequence of things.

I don't want my parent's to feel as if they failed me. I myself don't know how to approach them with my pain. I think it goes back to how society treats the subject of death. A person morns, and put's it "behind them" and goes on with life. I still feel that grief is not like having the flu. It is not a week long or even a year long journey. It is a journey that has no guidelines. No instructions, no time table. It is personal. Different for each of us, to be handled according to our needs. It is something not to be judged by others.

The problem with this is that society does judge. Those of us who take more time in our grief process tend to be thought of as obsessed with the person who died. Maybe my family members think it would be easier on me if I put all this away, and didn't think about it again.

ok....don't think about it again....how is that possible. Maybe I should rephrase that. Not dwell on it....Still works out the same for me--think, dwell.  My table is missing a person on holidays. Your birthday comes and I have no where to send a card, no where to call you and say happy birthday. I still cannot hear your laughter or see you smile. These thoughts come to my mind when I least expect them to. Or they will be triggered while I am out in the community.

I have come to the conclusion I will always carry you with me. You will always come into my mind. You will forever be in my heart. I don't feel time can seperate you from me, me from you. There is no little string I can just cut and it will release you from my mind. The void will always be awakened as I travel thru the years. Holidays, empty birthdays, events where families are gathered together, but you are not in attendance.

There are good portions of the year that I am just numb and tears are gone.  During those periods I still think of you, but it is not as over whelming. Then there are the holidays were everything is one right after the other along with the anniversary of your death. I am bombed during the months of November, December, January. Febuary. That time period for me see's so many kleenex boxes that I should take stock in the kleenex industry. By the time March arrives I am numb. I am back on auto pilot. I can make my way thru again.

Thru this journey I pray that those around me, family, friends, will one day understand this loss for me is more than at times I can bare. I pray that they will be understanding and not judge me for how I walk my road of grief. I pray for myself that I will learn how to live with this void I feel for you. That I will learn how to cope.

During these holidays, my thoughts and emotions are so mixed and  chaotic. Sometimes I just lay in bed and beg to just be able to go back into the numbness. Let me out of all the emotions that run a muck in my mind. That never happens. This is cyclical. Just as I said, by the time March comes I am dry of emotions,tears. I am basically ok and can function. Then when September arrives I can feel it creeping in again.

I need to come here and write to you. It is a release for me. I miss you Ben. Thru all this my love for your survives. .......    mom

Ben,

It is December 20th. There are not many days left to go until I pass this dreaded holiday. It is so hard this year. I can't breath. Everything is so over whelming this year. Today it is as if there is not  a  space between the tears. It is too much. I want to shut it all out. I want everyone to go away. It is to hard. This seems to be the hardest year and I don't understand why. I can't even get thru 30 minutes without crying. I didn't do any Christmas shopping out in the stores. I knew it would be a complete disaster. I just did everything via the internet. I don't know what I would of done if that hadn't been an option.

I am a mess. It seems that I cannot sleep in the night. When I try dreams come that I do not want. I end up just walking thru the house all night. In the day I am able to sleep. I don't know if it is because I am just so exhausted or because it is daylight and  dreams don't come to me in the daylight. 

Most of the time during Christmas I can find some small amount of happiness to cling to. This year I can't. I am gasping for air, I am drowning. There is nothing or no one to grab on to. I have reached out, verbalized what I am feeling. It was not understood. I was told that since they have not had a child die, they are not able to relate to me as I would like them too. You are in heaven and at peace, happy. I need to be happy for you.

I am happy for you, but at the same time I long for you to be here with me. I have an emptiness that cannot be filled. My sadness at times can be quieted, but it never really goes away. It just screams during times families are gathering. I feel I am holding a wild animal inside myself that is struggling to get out. I want to go outside and stand there and scream. No words, just scream. I want to let all the pain out. In turn, I keep tucking it all deep inside. I count the days until all these holidays and your birthday can pass by. I tell myself to hang on, that soon the numbness will come back and I will be ok. I will be able to go on again for a few months. All the while knowing that this darkness is only to return again every year.

If only there was a way to have this void, this emptiness and pain physically removed. I wish I could just walk in to a clinic and tell a doctor that my son died, I have a hole in my heart, the pain is more than I can bare. I wish he could fix me.

Ben I need you so bad. I wish for dreams where you will come and talk with me. I will feel your hug and hear you tell me " I love you mom". If only I could hear you whisper to me. Reach out your hand and let me take hold.

I'm sorry Ben I am not a stonger person. That I struggle so badly with your death. I'm sorry that I cannot find my way thru this new life. That I cannot  find some way to just go forward. Carry  you in my heart but yet let go and go on. For me it is not as easy as others. I hear them tell me that you would not want me to hurt. To feel so much sadness and pain. I need to be at peace with your passing.

When they talk it goes in one ear and bounces around in my head and bangs off my brain, then goes out my other ear. I cannot absorb what they are telling me. It isn't because I don't try to find some peace along this journey. I do look for peace. I try to find ways to cope and move forward but then the darkness takes over and the void consumes me. When I finally find my way out, it is then, that once again the numbness has taken over. That darkness has receeded it has left me beaten, defeated, exhausted. I find myself going back into auto pilot mode. I find myself wishing it could just stay this way all the time. I could still think about you, miss you, but yet be numb to it. I want to go back to how I felt the first few months that you left. I just existed. I was a robot. Too numb, in shock. But I functioned I couldn't allow myself to brake. Things needed to be done, I had to be strong in order to get them done. Eventually that all wore off and this is the step in the journey that I am now at. I find I don't like this step. I want to go backwards. I am afraid of what is forwards. I am 6 years down this road. I am fearful of the unknown. I would of never thought at this point I would be where I am now in this journey. I was told--I was "promised" at your viewing and your funeral that with time it would heal me. My pain and void would lessen. When? When will it get better? No one told me it would get worse than what I felt the day I placed you in the ground. I am exhausted from crying, from feeling, thinking. I want to close my eyes and go somwhere deep inside of myself where there is just nothing. No thoughts, feelings, sound, nothing. I want to stay there. I do not want to come out.

I miss you so much Ben. I will continue to hold you in my heart. I will wait to hear you whisper to me in a dream. I love you........mom

Dear Ben,

Christmas has now come and gone. It was a long week. My aunt Nora passed away on Dec 21 st. Now she is there with you.  Her funeral was on Christmas eve day. Christmas was a long day. Due to bad weather it did not go as planned. I am just glad it is over.

Tonight is New Years Eve. It is the  reminder of the time that has passed that you have not been in my life, and the years to come that you will continue to be absent from my life. 

After tonight then it will be a little easier to breath, feel, think, function. After your birthday in February then I will be able to return back to the state of being numb, but yet able to function  with day to day life.

I miss you very much Ben, Know that a place in my heart is owned only by you. You will forever travel thru life with me, always in my mind and forever close to me in my heart.

I send you all my love......

  forever your mother, forever my son

                    mom.

Happy 31st Birthday Ben!

It is February 10,2010. Today is your birthday. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. I miss hearing your voice. Today means so many things. It is one more year that has passed that your birthday goes by quietly. No one except myself to acknowledge it. It marks the passing of another year where you have been absent from my life. Another year older and me wondering what your life would of been like at this point in time. It also marks the end of the dark days that start in september and carry on until every February. It now means I will slowly creep out of this darkness and be able to go back on auto pilot again until September when the onset of darkness will again start.

I miss you so much. My heart aches with the desire to hear you say " I love you mom". I long to feel your gentle hugs.

I feel very broken. Nothing will ever be the same. I feel as if I died along with you that day. I just continue to go thru the motions of life. People wait for me to return back to my "normal" life, but that is not possible for me to do. I can only try and find my way thru this new one. I've just not figured out how to do that yet.

I send you birthday wishes tonight. I love you very much. May God hold you close to him, and care for you until I am able to be with you again.

Forever my son, forever your mother....I love you