my dear son,

It's Thanksgiving and again there is an empty chair and the hole in my heart remains as wide as the day you left.

I picked this song for this page because it fits what I am going to write to you tonight. "I'm finally Home". That is the song here, and you my son are home in heaven where you so deserve to be.  It is the mother in me that remains selfish and wishes you were still here with me.  I can't  make it clear enough to anyone how badly I miss you. Your smile, your hugs,  your silence --just sitting with you when you would be so quiet... I miss watching you being such a gentle uncle with your niece. I miss YOU.

I know to alot of people I have different view's on life and death. Maybe I have come to these views from my life experiences and it is what calms my heart, I don't know.

I believe that there is an after life. I believe that all of us plan the path our life is going to take before we come into our human form.  I believe our spirit guides try and sway us from some of the things we plan into our path thru life, but we have the ultimate say. I believe we put things into our life plan because we want/need to experience them.  I believe the people around us in our lives have been there in all the lives we have chosen.

I know alot of people would differ with my train of thought, but this is my belief. I am only now able to verbalize it because I am finding other's who also think this way.

I believe that even now you are directing people to me, and me to others. I believe you know my life plan and we came into this life you and I with a pact with each other. I remember when I was young, maybe 9, or 10. My mom had died, and grandpa remarried. That caused us to move to another home, not far from the one we lived in. There was a girl younger than myself who lived across the street. She was different, but I had never experienced someone like her before. She was --different. Later I realized she was handicapped in some way. That was my 1st exposure with someone like her. While I was still young, maybe 12, I found a poem in the paper in the Dear Abby section.

   "Special Child"

God gave this child to you to guide, to live and walk thru life beside. A special child so full of charms, to fill a pair of loving arms. God picked you out because he knew his special child is safe with you.

That poem meant something to me but I wasn't sure why. I kept it all these years, both in my mind and in a book pressed between the pages.  I learned to have patience  with the neighbor girl and spend time with her, as no one else would play with her.

Later you came along. You were our beautiful baby boy. What people call "special". We were to find out 2 years later that you had developmental delays. Later in life it was termed autistic tendencies. Your life was so hard. The first 4 years, words were hard for you. Signs were easier. Your whole life was a struggle. Acceptance from others was not easy to come by. I believe you came into this life to learn what the life of an autistic person is about. I believe you came to me to teach me. You gave me a skill that I formed my whole adult life around. I worked 24 years with you and other's like you. Disabilities of all types. You taught me patience,, to be able to listen, and accept people for who they are.

Your life was getting harder. You lost your special friend, and your heart was broken. For 2-3 weeks before you passed you came to me and told me you were going to die. You told me how, and where. I didn't listen. I told you, you were going to be fine. You were right.  You died how and where you said you would. I believe your spirit guide was preparing you for your departure.

I believe though that your not done. You have pointed me to people, and I believe you are using me to get your story out there. I have finished my book, and it was accepted, but I have self doubt. It is all my intimate thoughts and feelings in the book that I am not sure about sharing. In my doubt I believe you and your angel friend "Ed" have gotten together and bought Kathleen, ( Ed's mom) and I together. She too is writing a book with Ed's help.

I know alot of people don't believe in after life, at least not in this way. They believe we die and go to heaven to be with God. I believe that too. But I believe we have the choice if we want to go on and live another life in human form again, or if we just want to stay in spirit form.

I want to tell you that you lived your life well. You made all around you proud. You gave us unconditional love. You were a good man. Kind, caring, gentle.  You made me proud Ben. As I sit and write to you tonight, I cry tears of thankfulness that I was the one chosen to be your mother. That I had the opportunity to be a part of your life, and be loved by you. I cry because I miss you so. My heart aches that I can't reach out and touch you. That I can only see your smile  by looking at a photo. I can't hear your voice.

I remember a few weeks before you past away. I would come home from work and there would be voice messages from you . A couple times I thought--" I better save these, in case...". I would catch myself and tell myself nothing is going to happen to Ben. Then I would erase the messages. Little did I know you would be gone in 3 weeks, and I would never hear your voice again. What I would give to hear you.

I think just as you were feeling you were going to be leaving, I feel too that I knew something was about to happen, and I was trying to shake that feeling off. I so wish I would of listened to both you and my inner voice. If I had, I would have your voice now to go back to and listen.

I look forward to the day I will see you and know that nothing then can ever seperate us again. I miss you with all my heart.      l love you Ben

                   mom

Dear Ben,

I am here with you again. It is now creeping towards 7 years since you left my life. I am still lost. I have not adjusted to your absence, I can't find my way.  I have had alot of loss in my life but I always survived and moved forward. Your loss is so vast that I cannot find my way forward. I cannot figure out how to live without you. I try very hard. I have found that  I continue to keep my emotions turned off  and keep people at a distance. I had no control of your death, but I do have control over "feeling", loving, being close to someone or participating in activities.  I find that because your death made me feel so helpless, I have to feel in control of everything else around me. I believe that is how I have survived these past years.  I can clean my house until there is nothing else to clean, and I will still continue to clean. Participation in relationship's, friendships, activities, are all the same way. I have to make sure it is at a distance. It is hard to put into words that other's who have not lost in this way will understand. I just need to know I am not too invested in anything, because if I am too close, there could be another loss. How would I survive? There is not enough rope to hang on to. I am clinging to the tip of it now.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't sit and ask myself --"who lives like this?" At this point I know of no other way to live and still feel I will survive. I try reaching out to those around me, but as I reach I feel afraid. Afraid of the judgements of others, or of the unsolicited advice on how I  need to let you go and "go on." Your sister is lost in a world of drugs and a life that I am not capable of understanding. I only know one day someone will again be knocking at my door to have me identify her as my daughter, only to have them tell me she too has died. It feels as I wake up each day, I wait for the other shoe to drop and once again crash my world.  I can only tell you it is terrible to live like this and feel so lost as I do. The fear of losing my last child is so frightening.  Again I have no control. Your dad and I have tried so many ways to help her, nothing seems to work. I miss having you here, spending time with you. It was always little things that made you content. I wish I could have those times back, if only for a day. My heart and mind are always with you. My love follows you, soon I will follow you too.

                          mom