Celebrating life stories...

Memories

 

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She will always be a part of you and our children. Love, James

Memorial created 07-31-2008 by
Maribeth Lockwood
Gabrielle Michaelyn Boring
May 6 2000 - May 6 2000

She never got to go home in this outfit

I don't know who I would've been had this not happened. It's strange knowing that my life and my spiritual walk would lead me to a place of understanding through the most painful experience is a hard pill to swallow, well was back then..now? well, the best part of the human experience is just that, the human part and what the soul can make out of the hand played well... naturally, the idea that the loss of my lifelong wish, to have a child, was not expected to be a gift anymore than the day her heart stopped beating before her breath was taken.. I BELIEVE THIS TO BE TRUE ABOVE ALL TRUTHS WHEN IT COMES TO THIS DIFFICULT KIND OF LOSS...AND IT ONLY SITS RIGHT WITHIN YOUR OWN WEEPING HEART WHEN YOU ARE READY AND NOT A SECOND BEFORE THAT MOMENT AND I WEEP WITH YOU BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TORTURED YOUR ENTIRE BEING IS....BUT PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO THIS PART FOR NOW AND YOU'LL REMEMBER IT WHEN YOU DECIDE YOU ARE THERE TO TAKE THE STEP GOING UP TO WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN FULL A SCHOLARSHIP TO HIGHER LEVELS OF AWARENESS... THIS WAS A TRAGEDY WITHOUT QUESTION BUT NOT BY ANY MEANS WAS IT SENSELESS NOR A WASTE OF LIFE!!! PLEASE THINK ABOUT THE WAY YOU ACTUALLY DISHONOR YOUR CHILD BY DISCREDITING THEIR LIFE BY ONLY FOCUSING ON THEIR DEATH.. (caps key was stuck,,wasn't yelling) if you've been giving this experience, please take your time there's no rush to a finish line when there's no prize in sight...YET there is though, i promise you that! i will find the mother that found me and told her tragic story of co-sleeping that never left my heart and years later, i must lets her know that her son continues to save lives around the globe for being here for what seems like a second in time to most, a thousand lifetimes to that mother,but the impact is HUGE! as Gabrielle left her life in the abyss of questions and complications of the mental health status i already teetered the edges of anyway..... she left an abundance of clarity and practically lined my path to righteousness in diamonds.... yes my daughter was b given a death certificate without ever being given a birth certificate... that's something that needs to change for parents of stillborn babies and it's on my list...

this is just a little sliver of Gabrielle's story but really, this part bis MY story the rest is the story we have created together I came across Gabrielle's,(well MY) first journal entry and well, It gave me phantom kicks. Here goes............... September 16, 1999 My dearest child, Three days ago I learned that I was to be expecting your blessed presence in my world... I knew deep down that you were hiding in my belly for the past month though. I remember the day I had come in from the back yard after baking in the sun I walked past my full-length mirror and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a very pregnant woman in the reflection. I stopped and went back, but my tummy was flat. What I saw was so real though. Then a week or so later, I had just come home from a long night at work. It was late and I was exhausted. I crawled into bed (your father was away teaching a spiritual workshop)I kissed the cat and said goodnight. I looked out the window at the moon and said goodnight to noises everywhere. When I felt this tickle in my belly and I just instinctively said goodnight to you too. As soon as my sub-conscious and conscious mind connected, I sat straight up in bed. I knew I had life growing inside me. I've prayed for you for as long as I can remember. Everyone said you'd come when you were good and ready. Well, just when I felt that that day you'd be ready would never come.... here you are. This beautiful spirit living inside of me at this very moment. I'm making a human being! I have been so utterly happy the past three days that I can't think of anything else! I'M GOING TO BE A REAL MOM! I'M BRINGING A LIFE INTO THE WORLD! WITH ALL THE BABIES TO BE BORN ON THE SAME DAY AS YOU, YOU WILL BE THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, I KNOW IT! YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE YOUR GOLDEN FOOTPRINTS ON EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE YOU TOUCH! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU TAKE YOUR FIRST BREATH OF LIFE AND MAKE EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF COME TRUE. ALL THE DARK PLACES IN THIS WORLD WILL BE REPLACED WITH YOUR FATHER'S EMERALD EYES IF WISDOM AND YOUR MOTHERS LOVE. I don't find out your due date until the 22nd. It feels like a year away. Hope you're born in May. I will drape you in Emeralds to go with your eyes. I just know you'll have your Daddy's breathtaking eyes. They're crystals in shade of a green that can't be found anywhere else on earth. I've been really careful to eat all the right foods. Today I had Oatmeal with raisins and honey. Lunch was Halibut, green beans and cottage cheese. It's not dinner time yet, but I'll be sure to put wholesome food in mine and your body. I will take such good care of you, I PROMISE! I WILL NEVER LET ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN TO YOU. I'M YOUR MOTHER and PROTECTOR! ALL THE LOVE I COULD POSSIBLY GIVE YOU, Mommy And the pages of her journal filled with joy and fears and dreams and tears, all in green pen like i knew her eyes would be.

 

Just discovered I was expecting Gabrielle

I'll come back to this when I can write about it with dry eyes. Gabrielle's due date was May 10th she was still born May 6th. Later in the journal (September 27th as a matter of fact) I wrote how I had spent over four hours in the hospital positive I was leaking fluid, but nothing was proven. I later went in November for testing and was patronized for being a paranoid "first time mom" that worried about everything imaginable, but my main concern were the random gushes that I knew wasn't coming from my bladder.. By the end of the pregnancy, I was wearing THICK PADS for the "urine" I couldn't seem to hold. Gabrielle's death was never identified. Three years later I had an induced delivery because my second Daughter was close to suffocating due to the lack of amniotic fluid that suddenly depleted by 50% in 2 weeks. When I think of what Gabrielle endured inside my body I just shake

Maribeth

Okay, I didn't think any other child could serve any kind of justice to Gabrielle's existence and I fought it all the way. Then Gemma Brielle came and simply enhanced Gabrielle's beauty as Gabrielle intended! READ THAT LAST LINE AGAIN! There is a DIVINE PLAN! When Gabrielle's father tried to tell me (through his own grief as well) how our souls make agreements prior to birth in order to complete our soul purpose, I lost it. How dare he imply I/we would agree to such unbearable pain! Even as I could feel Gabrielle's heart telling me that I would understand it one day, I simply wasn't going to hear it from her FATHER! Michael was so incredibly right, it's ridiculous! We don't understand at the time and in my case, we did not even have a medical explanation. She was JUST GONE! Below is a bit of my story....... I must note, I began writing a novel about this experience 4 years PRIOR to it happening to me! I have been finishing up another chapter this week. I will be sending it off to an editor as soon as I can. It was almost completed until I lost the last 4 rewritten chapters that made it all flow together when I spilled my iced tea on my lap top. I never saved those chapters to disk. BUT... there's a reason for that! I don't know what and it's pretty discouraging at times when I can't get a moment to think as it is, but I trust the universe. Wow! Reading all these stories on this infant site is hard. I've noticed my breathing was irregular and I was starting to get anxious.

I thought I was doing pretty darn good until I decided to share Gabrielle with you all as well. I can read and hear the tragic stories with my heart filled with compassion and can put my own pain aside as if it never happened to me. It's when I tell my story, I remember more than I want to. I try so hard to fight my own flashback, but one always haunts my soul to be honest... The fruitless search for a heartbeat! Then they have the ultrasound machine brought to my room! Her face filling the monitor! Her eyes wide open staring at me, saying, "I'm sorry, Mommy. I had to go." As I begged her to come back. The back of the head of the ultrasound-tech shaking from side to side saying, "I'm sorry. She's gone." as he flipped the switch, making her face disappear to a lighted line that flashed across the screen for only a second then BLACK! I screamed a blood, curdling scream, "NO!" I look over at my mother and screamed, "Mommy! HELP ME! PLEASE! I'm want to die right now and be with her! Help me die Mom, PLEASE!" My mother yells at the staff, "Put her out NOW! She can't take this! PUT HER OUT!" I was anesthetized with a General for almost 24 hours. My parents said my husband crawled in bed with me and never left my side the whole time. He didn't eat, drink or sleep, just cried. I woke up and was told to start pushing. I fought it the whole way. I didn't want to have to push when I knew there wouldn't be a live baby in my arms at the end. They wouldn't let me have a c-section due to my low bp. They said to cut me open would cause a deadly infection and I must push. I told them to cut me open and let me go with her, but I gave into my family! I have 3 pictures of Gabrielle. I have her ceramic footprints and stamped ones on a card that also has a tiny lock of her hair attached. I had her blanket that she was wrapped in I used the same one to wrap Gemma in the day she was born. Michael also moved on and later had a daughter as well. I sent Gabrielle's blanket to him for the birth of his daughter. I had hoped to have it for Poet's birth, but I guess it needs to be with Micheal to share with his family. I know it will be cherrished in either case, so I'm fine with it. Along with that blanket,I sent Michael a bit of Gabrielle's hair in a little keepsake box as well as her windchime. I don't think he has or will be nearly as determined to keep her existence on earth acknowledged as I am, he has dealt with it in his own way and I know he will always carry her deep in his heart. He must.... Gabrielle is his daughter as much as she is mine. Only he and I could ever share the expirience and emotional floods of her loss in the same way. We created her and watched my belly as she grew each day. He'd do his meditative healings and cleansings on us. He insisted I didn't consume any artificial sweetners and things like that. He was adorable in the way he talked about and his daughter. He'd say things like "that's not going in my Baby Girl!" when I go to put Sweet~n~ Low in my tea. I'd say, "oops! I forgot about her for a second!" We will never know just how great it would've been had she lived. He picked out all my maternity clothes. We bought the car seat, bassinet, diaper bag and picked out her clothes together. He knows Gabrielle surrounds us all and mostly our children. That's good enough for me where he's concerned.

 

Mommy & Daddy's engagement photo

We were so in-love then. I was so filled with admiration and respect for Michael. He was one of a kind. His depth of knowledge was endless. And GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PERFECT! We spent every second together and never ran out of things to talk about. It's one of those love stories that will never have any real closure in a typical sense when it comes to divorce.

Just had to move on & travel to our next destination separately, but forever connected in a way beyond anything else I'll ever know.

We came together to create life. Ironically the life we created was never meant to be that of our child, but our own lives, and the lives we would later create elsewhere as a result of Gabrielle's death.

 

Our wedding

Michael and I were married New Year's day 1999. It was a candlelight wedding in Palos Verdes CA in a glass chapel on a cliff over the ocean. My ring-barer was to become my Step-Son that day. Jesse had just turned 5 when Michael and I began dating. He lived with his mother far from Orange County where we lived, but we managed to find a way to have a home for him in both places. I recall the time I first met Jesse. We went up to Hayward to see him. We got a room for the weekend and Jesse stayed with us. Michael bought him a remote controlled car (or truck) I just know Jesse loved it. We went to the Movies twice that weekend and saw "Mouse Trap" and "Home alone 2." We also went to an indoor playground "Planet Kids" I think and of-course, we went to several restaurants while there. Jesse and I stared at one another constantly that weekend. I was taken back by the realization that Michael really had a son and there he was, beautiful as could be with those emerald eyes his father gave him. Jesse just looked at me with this giant question mark in his eyes. I finally asked him at the end of our visit if he had something to ask me. "uh-huh" he replied. "Are you going to be my step-mom now?" Micheal and I were just beginning to date seriously, but I was ready to marry him before we ever even met in some way. Ready to create something with him, what it was exactly, I had no clue, but I knew. I asked Jesse if he'd mine being my step-son. He answered with the sweetest 5 year old reply. "Just don't give me sister's!" Well he got 3 of em! We had Jesse Every summer thereafter along with school/holiday breaks. I had no clue what to do with a young boy, but he made it easy for me. He was always mellow, kept to himself so much in fact that I'd forget to feed him at times because of it. I'd have to tell him to let me know if he was hungry so I wouldn't drive him nuts asking him all the time. I got my first introduction to parenting with him and many of the special things I do with my own children today began with Jesse. One of the things I did with him is very close to my heart and It's one of my top personal memories between us. He had lost a tooth, (pretty sure it was his first, not positive) one spring vacation he stayed with us. I remember Michael was all jazzed to help him get it out and teased him with tortuous ideas of how he would do it. In any case, it came out. Jesse was so excited, he called his mom and told her and when came the topic of money came up Micheal and I looked at each other with the same look on our faces. We forgot about that part. We were broke. It had have been his first tooth because it was a big deal to us all. Michael was going through drawers, trying to scrounge up what he could find around the house while I put Jesse down that night. Jesse kept asking how much I thought the tooth-fairy would leave him, tossing out figures with question marks. I had now idea how much first teeth went for those days, but his numbers were astronomical! Almost a mortgage payment to give you an idea. I could hear that by this time Michael had gone out to our cars in a panic. I came up with this idea. I told Jesse that you get money if you're just an ordinary kid, but if you happen to be one of the few elite that are of the magic fairy realm, then you get an honorary gift no other kid would have most likely. He asked what and choked. I ended up telling him I heard the dogs barking and would be right back which they weren't as Jesse pointed out to me. I ran off to find something to resemble anything enchanting that he didn't see before. I had a vase full of those huge, glass, marble-like balls that you use for fishbowls and flowers. All but one were clear. The one that stood out was a light, iridescent blue. "Bingo!" I came back and continued the story. He was dying to know how he would know if he was one of the rare and few to be enlisted in the world of magical wonder. I told him there would be a small crystal-like ball made out of stuff not found on earth. He asked what it was for, and I went on rambling as I am now, telling him that if he got one, he had a secret mission and one day the ball would light up and tell him what it was. He asked how I knew and I told him I got one. He asked to see it I grabbed one of the clear ones and hid the whole vase and showed him. He asked if they were all clear I told him that I had heard there was this really neat one with a captured rainbow inside, but you had to be almost part fairy or elf yourself to get one. I also told him to never show it to anyone who didn't already know about the secret if he got it to keep him from being abducted by the CIA. I just didn't want him to find out I got it at Wal-mart is all. The next morning he woke and ran to to me with excitement beyond words. Almost breathless with shock he says, "I'm a fairy!" I can't wait till my girls lose their first tooth.

On our wedding video we each said something to one another on camera to watch together later........ All I remember is how we both said we couldn't wait to have a family. I later left Michael and moved back home to the East coast almost a year to the date of our daughter's death. Looking at him was too painful and I was nothing but an empty shell and never wanted to be reminded of Gabrielle or Michael again.

 

The first time I celebrated Gabrielle's birthday

The notion of forgetting either of them is impossible. I could not foresee a single day passing without a skipped heartbeat in reflection of my love for the man I loved and married and carried his child those 9 months. I had our love growing inside me. My life story will always have them in it all the days I remain on earth. For a moment in time..........LIFE WAS PERFECT AND UNTAINTED AS I KNEW IT. I wish Michael and his new family all the happiness there is to live in life. I learned so much from my experience with Michael. I apply so many aspects of what he taught me as a Shamballa Master and what we learned together as Metaphysics Students, Teachers and Healers.

 

In honor of my Daughter 05-06-00

It wasn't until May of 2007 that I was able to pull myself out of my dark depressive hole within. The weekend had been very busy. We attended a parade, a birthday party and went to the ocean. Sunday morning came (the day Gabrielle would've celebrated her 7th birthday)James (Gemma and Poet's father) was making breakfast and the phone rang. I woke up and grabbed the phone. My phone displays the date and time along with the number calling. I knew her "birthday" was that weekend in the back of my mind and warned everyone for a detached "me" (so to speak) when it arrived. I had been so busy, I had forgotten in a sense. When I saw the date on the phone I called out to James almost in a panic. He came running in saying, "I know. I know" Gemma followed asking what was wrong. He hushed her out and told her "today is Gabrielle's birthday and mommy's sad" Gemma replied with, "Yay! We're going to have a birthday party for my big sister today!" and went on singing and dancing! She requested a cake for her, but it had to be ANGEL CAKE, since she is an angel now! At this moment I wiped my tears away and took a deep breath and said to myself "ENOUGH! we will stop crying and celebrate her existence from this day on!" And so, we did................. We got an angel cake and put 7 candles in it. We placed her ceramic footprints beside the cake, took pictures and and sang "Happy Birthday" to my angel, my child, our blessing! I know it could come across as though it was a simple decision to change my frame of mind and you know what? It was! AFTER SEVEN YEARS! This past May Gabrielle would've been eight and we celebrated the same way again. Now we get balloons for her, 1 from each of us and sing "Happy Birthday" to her. When the song is over, we all release them outside into the air. I know she is there with us too watching and smiling. Give it all the time you need, but when those clouds part......................GOD BLESS YOU! From the deepest part of me, Maribeth

 

Life goes on. Gemma and Poet

living Daughters. I feel our story needs to be told because it helps so many others as I've learned. If anything she must live on in those she reaches through my story in order for her short time here with us all to have a much larger purpose than I will ever even know. I never thought her pictures were something anyone would ever want to see, but seeing your babies, I feel better about what she looked like because I can also see the beauty in your babies.

I can remember it all like it happened today. I developed severe panic attacks and began getting medicated "treatment" which turned out to be very dangerous. Not to mention the prescribed variety they had me on, produced even more, yet false diagnoses which lead to more or switched medications. I would've gone on being a Guinea Pig till it killed me had I not read up on all the diagnoses they labeled me with and medications they had me on and said, "Nuh-Uh!" I was on 3 meds for insomnia. 2 for anxiety. 2 for depression. 1 to counter the lethargic state the 2 for anxiety caused. Soon I was displaying Bi-Ploarism. BIG SURPRISE! I was a wreck! Could be all over again if I allow it, but I won't! Know why? Because I realized one day that it was never about me at all! It was about Gemma Brielle (my second baby girl born 3 years later on the first day of Spring, March 21, 2003). Gabrielle, gave her life up to give Gemma life. I was a "high risk" pregnancy with Gemma and was monitored to the till with her and discovered what went wrong with Gabrielle finally after 3 years the mystery was solved. Until Poet, my 1 year old baby girl was an emergency c-section a month early, on July 24, 2007 for a different reason. So, now I don't know what's wrong with my body when it comes to carrying a full term baby. I just know I am done putting myself through the terror of the gestational process. Getting back to Gabrielle. Here's the craziest part of all this.............in 1996, I began writing a novel about a woman losing her full term daughter, Gabrielle and the struggle to simply breathe, let alone live a normal life again after the loss. The ending of the book shows her true strength and that everything is for a reason. I was driven by a little girl named "Gabrielle" of-course, who died of Leukemia in the hospital I worked at who told me I was meant to write a book to help women. After her passing, I searched myself and began this novel and wrote off and on over 4 years. Then I became pregnant and put the book aside, seeing how I couldn't go there in my mind anymore while carrying my own baby. 9 months later I lost Gabrielle. I had the eerie feeling of going through this before, but never correlated it with my book. It had been 9 months since I went there in my mind and the horror took over when she died I didn't make a connection until almost a year later when I sat at my computer again for the first time and saw the title of my book in "my documents." I went through every emotion there was, step by step 4 years prior to it happening to me. I will complete this book if it kills me! Just so distracted now with my 2 healthy girls thanks to Gabrielle! Don't want to miss a second with them, but want to share my novel for all of us alike to "help women" like little, Gabrielle from the cancer floor in the hospital I interned at said I was meant to do. I will come back, but must rest for now. Got up with baby, Poet (her name was already in my novel as well) and now she's asleep and I'm awake! LOL Going to snuggle with her now and think of all your angels with each kiss on Poet's head. My love to you all, Maribeth Gemma Brielle 5 and Poet Malynda 1yr. I met their father in 2002 and Gemma came along a year later on the first day of Spring, March 21st 2003. Gemma weighed 5 lbs 9oz. My first baby, precious Gabrielle, who was full term weighed more (6 lbs 9oz) than both Gemma and Poet the daughter's I was blessed with after her. Gemma Brielle wieghed 5 lbs Poet weighed 5 lbs 13oz. Gemma Brielle is now 5 and Poet has just turned 1 year.

 

2 months pregnant.

Micheal took me out to dinner this night. I went in to see an ex co-worker who is in the picture. I had just told him I was pregnant and Michael took a picture. I couldn't seem to tell anyone I was expecting without crying in the process!

 

Me with Rachel's baby

I went on vacation back East to see all my friends in that fall. I LOVE FALL IN NEW ENGLAND! Here I'm 3 months pregnant with Gabrielle posing with Rachel's then 3 year old daughter.

 

Gabrielle's hidden in my tummy, but in the pic

My best friends, Rachel and Tracey and me in the middle. Rachel's on my left and Tracey's on my right. We're with all three of our first babies, all girls.. I'm holding Rachel's baby and Gabrielle's in my womb But she's still in the picture! Kinda neat, huh?

There's more significance to this picture still. We were tying to copy a picture taken of us years back, but didn't know who was on what side of me then. We just knew I was in the middle. We got it wrong as you will see on next page, but it's hilarious seeing us back then at 15.

 

First anual Fall Gathering where Rachel's baby holding my baby

Two of my closest friends of 21 years and I make it and annual fall thing we do. Sometimes I have to drag them kicking and screaming with their now, much older children than my own to do the hay ride, and pumpkin patch thing. But we do it and are always glad we did. HEY! I missed out on sharing several years Motherhood with you...TRACEY AND RACHEL! SO YOU'D BETTER COME! AND BRING COOKIES FOR THE BABY!!

 

2nd Anual Fall Gathering Rachel's daughter had to chase Gemma to get this pic

I could go on and on with the fall thing, but just look at how sweet life is! I am so blessed! This year Tracey will have her 2 kids Rachel will have hers and now that Poet's here, I will have my two kids.

 

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